You know you're a therapist when:

-you have the urge to resort to clinical shorthand in everyday writing. Ie bx, dx, sxs. rx,, mo fa, gmo.

- you watch portrayals of "psychologists" on TV/ movies and constantly go "You're doing it wrong!" and "Ethical/boundary violation!" Relatedly, you watch portrayals of mental illness on TV and also go "you're doing it wrong!"

- you use gait/behavior as a diagnostic tool when encountering someone who seems overly polite/interested in Boston. If they're doing that then there *must* be something wrong with them. :p

- you're totally not weirded out when someone on the bus is ticing and yelping. You just assume Tourettes or other tic disorder and feel kind of bad for them.

- you get pissed at people for making disparaging comments about "ethnic" names. Specifically of the "where do these names come from? don't the kids get teased?" etc. Especially when that person is a member of the clinical team.

- you are acutely aware of racism/sexism/classism on TV/movies/ advertisements. (This one isn't restricted to therapists, but I'm surprised how much more social-justice-minded I am now.)

-you are acutely aware of being white, middle-class and female. (which is the majority of therapists out there.)

There are probably others, but that's what I can think of off the top of my head. Anyone else?

I got the DYS job I was interviewing for! I found out on the 9th, but haven't gotten around to posting for a while. Short-term girl's pre-trial unit. So yay! Full time, good benefits, great pay, and I'd only be working one job!!! I start May 4 part-time, and then once I close out my clients at the high school I go full time on May 14. Meeeeep. I'm kind of nervous; it's going to be an intense job, and there's a lot to learn, but I think I can manage. They're going to send me to western Mass for a week to get restraint trained among other things, which will be exciting and terrifying at the same time. I also get some intensive DBT training, which will be cool.

I got the go-ahead to revamp my lifting program and not do PT anymore! I'll go back in 2 weeks for a check-up, but at this point I'm pretty much healed. I've got some restrictions, and I need to start really light, but I'm cleared! I'll hopefully be throwing in June! Yay!

I heard this song for the first time on my brother's radio station. And holy shit do the lyrics speak. The video is really poignant too. And as someone who deals with cases of abuse all the time, I'm going to try to use this song in my next Lyrics Analysis group with my teens. It should get a good discussion. They're coming to Boston the week of St. Patty's Day. I will scrounge tickets.
Safe for work.

Through this and that, namely a comment in a metaquotes thread, I came upon this gem. Badger Badger, Trance Remix! Go watch. It is mesmerizing. And awesome.

I did a 25 minute run tonight. Outside, in 50* weather. I haven't gone out of my house with just a key, an ID and my iPod since college. It was refreshing. 25 minutes is nothing to sneeze at, and I have to remind myself of that, seeing as how I was on the track team and I'm used to hearing about them doing 5 and 10 mile runs. I guess 25 min is about 2 miles, at my average pace. I promised myself that I'd run on Monday nights, and until it drops below 30* I'm going to try to stick to it. I can run or do elliptical on Tuesday and Thursday before I lift, but I want to run outside on Monday. It's pointless to go all the way up to the gym just to run. And I feel a lot better than I did before I went out. Running means that I only concentrate on breathing, making my feet move, and not getting hit by traffic. And whatever music I've got on. I don't let myself think about anything else. It's refreshing.

Because really? Mondays blow. I saw all 4 of my Monday clients. My kid that I'm thisclose to cutting actually showed up to school! Apparently his CHINS kicked in hardcore and he's required to come every day for a month. I read him the riot act in terms of "you miss one more, I cut you." I need to learn to leave work at work though... I've still got some of the emotional gick from this morning stuck in my body. Running helped, but it's not all there yet.

I did two research interviews over the weekend. I made one of them cry... that sucked, I recommended that she go see a counselor. But I do get paid. Which is a Good Thing.

Pats lost last night... that was sad. But it wasn't the rout that I was afraid that it would be.
Andy was home over the weekend, brought the projector back, and also connected with his friend, who gave me a shiny new motorcycle helmet. It matches the bike! One of his friends gave it to him 'case it was too small for her, and he's got two already, so now it's mine. Yay free helmets!

Managed to fall down the stairs the other day. Hardwood floors and sock feet are a bad match. Slipped on the second stair from the landing, and slid all the way down. I landed hard on my back, just above my hip, and right below my shoulder. Ow. I've got a pretty good bruise. I'm now extra careful walking down the stairs.

I'll be happy when Halloween is over. I love the costumes etc. I hate the fact that there's way too much chocolate kicking around. I've been so stressed it's not even funny, and we have a ton of candy in the office as part of our incentive program for our kids. This means I'm eating a lot of chocolate. Chocolate is high in arginine, and too much arginine will make me sick. Stress plus tons of chocolate plus not enough sleep or lysine means Anne is sick. It's annoying.

I got to the gym for the first time in over a month last night. I looked at my workout book and the last time I'd gone was September 23. Ugh. Granted for two weeks I was still riding my bike, but not working out was definitely getting to me. I ran for 20 minutes, did about 2 miles straight, at kind of a slow plod. But I did it, and that's the important part. And I feel a lot better. I'm going to try to at least go to run 3 to 4 times a week. Maybe a lift Tuesday/Thursday Sunday, and just a run and abs on Monday. Running means that I focus on my body and my breathing and nothing else. It hurts somewhat, and I need to get insoles for my sneakers now that I've broken them in a bit 'cause I'm pronating when I run and my feet are starting to hurt. Fix that at the beginning and I'll be good. I still can't lift anything with my arms. Even putting the 45lb plates on the sled hurts. That's really bad for me. And of course it feeds into my whole neurosis about not being weak and having to be tough all the time. No matter how much I remind myself that I'm trying to recover from an injury, and that it's not a sign of weakness to not do arm or full-body lifts and that it's actually smart and taking care of my body, I still start to beat myself up about it. It's annoying.

I need to learn to take better care of myself. It's the classic "who takes care of the care-takers?" I just don't have the energy to take care of myself when I get done with work. I want to hand it over to someone else, even if it's just a hug. And I've effectively cut myself off from a lot of things, because I don't feel like being social. It's a vicious circle. I need to figure out how to do it because otherwise I'll just burn myself out.

Today is our Halloween Party at work. I'm conservative goth, ie black pants, black long-sleeve shirt, dangly silver jewelry, black top-hat, and full out makeup. The kids are going to tweak. It'll be great.

I feel like I have had absolutely no down time in the last three weeks. I had my art show, and took that week off from work. Of course that was not a vacation or a break in any way, because I was working my ass off trying to get the show up. And there was baseball, and then Monday night football, and just generally not enough sleep all around.

And then I start work again that Monday to find out that one of my girls' boyfriend is in danger of being beaten or killed because of beef between her project and his project. Oh the joys of counseling urban youth. This tough-as-nails chick was sobbing in my office. She was terrified that her boy would be killed. Her brother was murdered over less a few years ago.

Then I find out that my 17 year old soon-to-be-dad will not be a dad. His baby-momma miscarried. He's devastated. He keeps saying that he's been through a lot, that I have no idea what kind of shit he's dealt with etc. He's pretty shaken up.

One kid hasn't shown up in 6 weeks. He's got a CHINS and a probation officer and won't come to school. WTF? I'm cutting him, which his mom will flip over because she expects me to be there to counsel him on the one day in 17 that he actually shows up... Another has been out for the last three times I've tried to get him, and apparently had some sort of blowout in school regarding his father... I've been talking to his other treaters at the school...

I picked up two new girls, one who is on track for college, has a job, etc..., is parentified and takes care of.... everyone. She talks about thinking about giving her father money for rent. Her mother tells her everything about her own life, even sexual stuff... great. And my other new girl I got to do a safety plan with the first meeting. She had attempted suicide before, wouldn't give me any more information than that... and she told me that if she wanted to again, she wouldn't tell me anything. She doesn't think counseling will help and that everything is hopeless.

So I get to sit with that.

And of course the afterschool has been nutty as hell too. And everyone was out of control on Friday because my boss was out. (he's big and scary and is male and boss so they listen to him and not us... fuckers) And one of our kids totally wigged out and threatened to harm staff if we ever made light of anything he did ever again. I have never been so scared at work. I didn't know if he'd do it, but it was scary. Friday was the first time I've ever cried at work because of work. I just couldn't take it. I really couldn't. And I felt bad leaving my coworkers by themselves, but I just could not handle it. That's BAD. Especially for me. I have never hated my job before. I hated my job on Friday.

So right now I am extremely drained. I hate my job. I want a hug. Friday I played drunken Uno with my roommate, her boyfriend and Jailbait. That was ok, but not enough of a release. Jailbait is being frustrating... he's stressed out too, and can't give me the attention that I want right now. Both of my close friends here in Boston are either sick or super-stressed, usually both. So I'm kind of fighting through this with the same bullheadedness that I usually do. And I just want to cry right now. I want to be held and I want to cry, and I can't do either.

So I promised you all a well-thought-out treatise on my thoughts on the pro-life/pro-choice dichotomy.
(  Short version: I'm pro-choice, abortion is bad and is to be avoided at all costs, third-trimester abortions are bad and if you're doing it just 'cause you don't want a kid you're a selfish ass. )

As for my other topic, why I'm not allowed to vote Republican, more than being queer or being female, it comes down to my career choice. I'm in the social services field. When you cut tax revenues, you have to cut spending somewhere. Guess where it's going to come out of first? That's right: education and social services. Everyone who's on "welfare" and anyone associated with Departments of Social Services, Mental Health, and Mental Retardation. My job hasn't renewed it's contract with DMH in 10 years. Almost all counseling/mental health jobs require an MA of some sort. That's a lot of school. And we don't make any money anyway. But if you keep cutting, our jobs are the first to go. Managed care is already going the way of "medicate more, counsel less" which means that hospital stays are days instead of weeks and consumers are shunted back to community mental health centers when they're barely stable.
I don't have my LMHC yet, that's the non-social worker master's level mental health counselor license in MA. I can't get it until November of 2009 at the earliest. Until I get that, I can only take public health insurance. If you cut tax revenues, and you cut MassHealth, then you cut my job.

Massachusetts has a ballot initiative this year to do away with the Mass. income tax. The proponents' reasoning is that government is too big and if you cut off their supply, then they will by nature have to reduce the size of government and therefore reduce waste. Governments waste. It's what they do. Cutting income tax will only reduce the amount of money going to those that need it most, those dependent on social programming to stay healthy and out of harm's way. They won't cut infrastructure, they won't cut emergency services, they won't cut much other than budgets for the schools, the environmental initiatives and for social services. Cut social services and I lose my job. It's as simple as that. Therefore I'm not allowed to vote Republican or for this ballot initiative.

So a few weeks ago, I had a giant fit, no thanks in part to the idiot ex. Pulled a "Hulk Smash" on my laptop and scrambled my harddrive. So I'm rebuilding my computer after putting a new HD in it. (Note to idiot-self: BUY A BACKUP!) The neat part is that I've discovered a great computer repair place, and did my replacement in warranty. If I'd taken it through Apple, they would have charged me a lot more. Total cost for me: $30 bench fee to drop it off. Huzzah! Unfortunately, they couldn't save any of my images, which is unfortunate, but I have a lot of them online, and I had 3G of music on my ipod which I got to switch over. And I got Leopard (OSX 10.5) out of the deal, for Free. So that's cool. I'll take it in once I have some more money and have them put new RAM in it. This thing can hold 2 1G RAM sticks, and it's tempting to do that. If I buy it through these guys, they do it for free.

In other news, I have clients! I've had two intakes, I'm starting to see clients for real tomorrow, which will be really nice. My boss has been really stressing "extended assessment" which I think is bull. Once you've got the kid signed for and you've got the history, you can start doing therapy. There's no reason to be hands-off for a while until everything is "assessed" I want to start helping them now, if I can at all. I've been reading a book about "No-Talk Therapy" which I have a feeling I'll be doing some of. Lots of just sitting with and interacting with a child who's refusing to talk. I'm excited.

Today was Easter at Grum's, which is a fabulous chaos of old friends, food, drink and jumping into the Atlantic Ocean when it's 35* out. Cold! But so worth it. Got another fabulous Easter basket with tons of junk food, but also lots of nifty/tasty/useful things like potholders and pancake flippers and coffee. I was the only member of my family that went, 'cause Mom's sick, Evan's sick, and Silas couldn't come down from Maine in time. Dad stayed home to take care of Mom. And my parent's friend Biscuit broke her spine a few weeks ago and couldn't come either, which was super sad. But I found one of our generation got into Harvard med school! And that she and her fiance are moving to MA hopefully. I looked at her and went "since when are you getting married?!?!" It was awesome. I've met her girlfriend at the past two easters, and now they're making it all official-like. I'm psyched for them.

So it's been a crazy few weeks. I also got Tibetan Prayer Flags, and I need to find a good place OUTSIDE to fly them. I have little ones in my room, but I have big ones now, and it makes sense considering what's going on in Tibet right now. By the way: 90% of what Xinhua reports is crap. www.phayul.com is a much more reliable site for what's happening. Sources in Tibet are putting the confirmed death toll at over 100, not the conservative 30 that the chinese government has put it at.

I like living with boys, mostly because whenever they shower and I walk past their bathroom I get Clean Boy Smell (tm). So fresh, so clean, so boy. It's nice. Ok, I'm a big dork. I also like the fact that I can wander around my apt. in shorts and a sports bra and not be terribly self-conscious, because I don't give a rat's -ass what they think of my looks, 'cause I'm not gonna date them. Even though they're cute. Andy was nice and complimented my shirt that I was wearing Thursday morning. He and I get along the best of all of us I think, mostly 'cause we see each other the most. He's cool. I like him. He has a motorcycle.

John and I painted our kitchen today. It's blue and very pretty you can see it here along with pics of my car, and my nephews.

Crazy new girl hasn't been around much. She got it that we didn't like having our food all together, mostly when she discovered that she had a cabinet, and the rest were rearranged. I think she's a bit annoyed with us. Oh well. I'm ok with that after what she pulled. Thankfully the boys and I were of the same mind-set. "Argh, territorial smash!" but none of us did anything until we had talked to each other and figured out if she'd asked anyone. (she hadn't) So this will be interesting...

I figured out how to put stuff up on flikr, so now I can post useful photos of stuff. Yay!

("Stand By Me" set to a reggaeton beat is wierd, BeirutNights has all sorts of wierd euro-dance music)


It cost me $622 to get my tie-rod, ball joint replaced and alignment done, plus the power-steering flush and oil change it already needed. My car is getting replaced in the next 18 months. I'm positive. I'm sick of dealing with a constantly-breaking car.

In good news, I got called back for a second interview at Shattuck. I'm going in Monday around 2 to tour a unit and see what it's like to actually work there. I'm going to wear the Awesome Pants and thoroughly kick ass. She said that it's not another interview, but it's still an opportunity to impress her. I really want this job. I had an interview on Friday at one of the Bridgewell extensions, but I wasn't as excited about it, because it's working with people with developmental disabilities, and I'm not thrilled with that. It's MR and other disabilities comorbid with Axis 1 disorders. Interesting clientelle, we'll see where it goes. It's individual, and fee for service. I want Shattuck!!! Everyone think good thoughts for me! Shattuck is salaried and mostly group work, with the opportunity for some 1:1 in case management. I can always get my 1:1 doing a part time fee for service job somewhere else.

I've done some epic cleaning today. I cleaned the bathroom, and I'm in the process of cleaning my room, which is a considerably more epic task. I also swept the hall and both stairways. For some reason I can get more work done in the heat than in my AC-cooled room. Wierd.

Tonight I'm going to Leeann and Scott's for grilled tastyness and dog-sitting instructions. I need to go buy stuff with which to make fruit salad, so I'm gonna do that.